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I Am That I Am

This is a vent post of some of my thoughts on how I cope with the state of the world. I've been troubled with many emotions and need to get this off my chest. It's important to me to share this aspect of myself as other articles I will write will be about dreams and dream interpretation in the Bible, as well as my own personal stories of how God has shown up in my life.


If you have a different opinion on these matters please share in the comments below... I enjoy hearing from other's perspectives, but I will not condone hate in this space so please think and be considerate before you click 'send.'





So here's the thing...


I am not perfect in how I've behaved in the past, but my deepest desire for myself is to learn how to love and receiving love from Source and/or others like my spouse. To learn how to love and forgive myself and others.... It is essential for our survival in this world to explore our emotion guidance system which has been neglected. It may be cliche but I believe this so deeply in my soul.


I'm always learning how to love and it is not always an easy task but actually requires a certain sense of discipline and mindfulness. I may project onto others, they may project back to me, and it is a vicious cycle - and I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles with this.


This act of projection can either be conscious or unconscious depending on where you are on your journey.


I am deeply saddened by the state of this world at times, to the point where my eyes melt for 60 minutes which progresses to weeks or months maybe even years of depression. Yes, I'm in therapy.


I thought I used to cry as a self loathing mechanism but as I get older, it evolves into more than just being upset about a situation. Then the existential dread kicks in and I find myself praying for peace and hope during these confusing times.


I would like to point out, I really try to not take life so seriously since we are only here for a short amount of time but it is not all sunshine and rainbows when the going really starts getting tough.


Why must there be fear and hate? Why must there be love? Are these things even real or just a label to more complex feelings?


Something I have learned is duality is interwoven into the threads of our existence. We must have suffering in order to feel the opposite. However, negative feelings are contagious and addictive. Our brains actually latch onto those known sensations and if we resist - it persists. We forget that forgiveness and the opposite is a possibility in the midst of our suffering. Becoming the master of our minds' is not about control, but acceptance and surrendering - then incorporating new ways of thinking and questioning our preconceived ideas and beliefs.


Whether it be physical, mental or emotional. I rationalize my beliefs, I rationalize my feelings without doing the feeling. I find a core belief but cannot heal it because, I have not listened to what it is trying to tell me and truly feel it instead of resisting it - which is not always safe to do in isolation without a therapist.


Are we doomed? With all the fear mongering around - it definitely feels like it.


I do not want to come in here and say I have all the answers because I have no fucking clue. However, I believe the world is the story of God and it is now, has been, and always will be. It's not about the me's and my's but of us - all of us including animals, plants, fungi...


A story from one night in my kitchen... I was making a plant based version of my Dad's signature recipe, and I was worrying about literally everything, the anxiety was crippling. My thoughts were racing... Why am I here? Can I feel love? Are we meant to love? Why are we here? Can no one feel love? Do we even know what love is? What am I supposed to be doing here? What is even going on? Well... a little voice, just a little thought, came to me. It didn't shout, it wasn't fearful. It didn't feel right nor wrong. It told me, "You will never know."


Now that could be considered "scary" or "frightening," but it wasn't. It was the relief I needed and ever since then, I have to remind myself of that truth to remain somewhat sane. You know what's certain in this life is only uncertainty - and I'm learning to accept that. I mean, I kinda have to, everything is constantly changing.


I would like to share my story because I've never told it. I was diagnosed with severe eczema at the age of 6 months old, and it carried on throughout my life - I never grew out of it. I have always been stressed and itchy my whole life with little to no peace. Kids would run away from me screaming, "Don't go near her! She's contagious!" (Naruto flashbacks anyone?) Yet, no one really sat down with me to ask how I was feeling and what was wrong. If they did, they asked me why I have a strange look on my face, "What's wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?"


In my opinion, Christians should be the least hateful, most kind and accepting individuals in this world, no matter who or what. To welcome those with open arms who do not agree with them or share different pathways and beliefs. Please don't get into a Facebook or Youtube fight on how someone needs Jesus because, that is exactly how to steer someone away from the love and they will not listen to you... What happened to us? What the hell are we doing?


I am saddened and disappointed in how some people will preach this stuff all day and simply don't act in that way because they can just be saved or don't really understand these teachings, and just preach to preach to feed an ego. This isn't a matter of going to Heaven or Hell and who is or isn't. It's about acceptance, hope, beauty and the state of us as a whole.


It is a whole body and earthly experience.


It is truth - not fear and hate, that will set us free. Like I said earlier, I'm terribly not perfect and I've been in those shoes before as a kid where I preached to not cuss then give my best friend a slight little arm slap when she did cuss. But it just dawned on me in 2023 that I need to start aligning with these concepts and seriously fill this void in my heart because I'm done feeling empty and hopeless.


With all this in mind, please go out there today, tonight, wherever you are -- in your bed, feeding your children, at the bar, anywhere. Share the beauty of love and acceptance or just actively listen to someone.


Please know, this life isn't about fear of going to Hell. It's believing in love and acting on it. Once you do this, you may get hurt but maybe the void will slowly fill. We are not lacking, we have simply forgotten. Because after all, we are just silly, stupid humans :) Please don't worry, please don't fear, please stay safe and love thy neighbor. It may just set you free.


I'm honestly at the point where I don't know if anyone will see this but hey it's on the internet so it's worth a shot. I had to get this out of my system or I would not be at peace when my clock runs out.


One of my purpose(s) is to love and share my story. I don't need fame, I don't need wealth, I don't care to be rich (even though money is a necessity sadly). I just want to share my heart with whoever is reading this. If you want, you can stomp on it but it's like a slinky, always popping back up so good luck.


Know I care about you and good people do exist. May you be blessed with a life full of laughter, care, and support. I'm aware that sometimes the thing you want, you don't always get... But this is my only dream...


Thank you for reading.


Amen....


2023

Lucid





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Hi, thanks for stopping by!

Lucid is an artist located in the DFW area in Texas. She started writing at a young age and thinking out of the box. Her artworks vary from digital content to sonic art and painting.

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